Dad and I at Red Rocks 3 weeks before he became paralyzed from the chest down. July 2014
“There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love.” Bono
“My Dad is a paraplegic.” Being able to utter that sentence took me 30 months.
I knew this information. In fact, I was the first to know he was paralyzed. Being able to say that sentence out loud took a long time for me to process and articulate without sobbing and feeling my heart break all over again. I thought about this today because of the way my day unfolded. I was on the phone with a new trooper I was assigned to work with and he asked if I could make it to an event. I said "I am not sure because I think I have to be with my Dad that day. My Dad is a paraplegic I am not sure if you know that?" He said, "Oh. No. I did not know that." I continued, When my Mom has to be gone for work, I go and stay with him and I think I may have to stay with him that day. It was odd to me that the conversation just flowed (FOR THE FIRST TIME it flowed! Without me pausing or crying or getting a massive lump in my throat) and we went onto planning our business.
“There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love.” Bono
Bono stopped me in my tracks when he asked us to put our hands in the air and give off our positive energy to all in the stadium. I describe myself as a rhinestone covered conservative hippy. So this ultra conservative yet sort of hippy Lutheran believes in energy but putting my hands all the way up? I don’t know about that. I put my hands to my stomach, then to my chest, then looking around I was the only one NOT putting my hands in the air so up I went. Now, this is what I call positive peer pressure! I felt immediate goosebumps as the positive energy and light bounced off the other side of the stadium. The concert was 1/4 political rally, 1/2 amazing, and ¼ bizarre.
Seeing U2 has been a bucketlist item for me for what seems forever. After my brain injury I had to relearn to walk, talk, read and write again. On my 9th or maybe it was 15th time of attempting not to fail (aka quit) physical therapy I had a student intern who asked me if I could walk backwards. I hadn’t tried so I honestly didn’t know. As a dancer with controlled body awareness I thought why couldn’t I? I remember that PT room and forever engrained in my memory is the sheer horror on that intern’s face. My arms and hands crippled up like little t-rex arms plastered to my chest facing out and fingers spread and wickedly scattered. My mouth contorted as I gritted my teeth to the side and lips were pursed against my face as I strained to take one small step backwards. My brain did not know how to walk backwards. It barely could walk forward. The intern staring at me in disbelief asked slowly “What did that FEEL like?” I stared back defeated. Please ask me anything you want on one condition. You have to promise me you will never give another patient that look of torture and fear when they are trying to accomplish what seems like a minute task to you. It is humiliating for them and likely they are fiercely trying. I lashed out. Poor intern.
Zoom ahead 8 years post brain injury, I walked on the treadmill for the first time without the vibration of the treadmill giving me a headache. I remember my heart overflowing with pure joy. I had tried for 8 solid years to exercise and get back to a healthy weight. I remember feeling like Rocky and being completely invincible! The radio sang “It's a beautiful day. Don't let it get away. It's a beautiful day. Touch me. Take me to that other place. Teach me I know I'm not a hopeless case.” Thanks, Bono. You’re right. I am not a hopeless case! It is indeed a beautiful day!
June 4, 2017 at Soldier Field Bono made the comment above about grief I again was stopped in my tracks. I saw the cameras and wanted to remember his quote but did not want to pull out my phone to type it in and miss something. Surely, I would remember. Holly, you have a brain injury surely you won’t remember! The next day, I googled his comment about grief and found it was on the BBC. Little did I know when he prayed for Machester victims at that concert that he was recording live for the Manchester concert! There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love. Oh Dad, is all I could think. I have grieved his spinal cord injury for nearly 3 years. My boss asked me after my Dad was injured “When will you smile again?” I thought I got up, out of bed, I showered, and I am here. I give myself an A for today. Smile? You want me to smile? I am not sure when or if I will ever smile again. I have hit rock bottom grief before. I have been there at least 2 other times. Once after my crash and once after the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with dumped me over the telephone on my birthday. My friend Tiffany who lost her Dad while she was in her early 20s said, “At least he’s here and you can talk to him.” She is right. I go to my parents as often as I can and at minimum monthly to help my Mom care for my Dad. I cherish our time together. The stories he has shared with me while I have been helping put him to bed or helping get him up in the morning. I often wonder if he’d have ever told me that story had we not had these moments. We have always been very close but I have learned more about his whole life story in the past 3 years than I ever did before. With tears in his eyes one day he said “Holl, my Doll. I was thinking. When you get married. I want to be next to Mom in the front of the church. I don’t want to drive down the aisle next to you. I don’t want to drive over your dress.” I said, Dad. There isn’t even a groom ?!?!? Do you know something I don’t!?!? He said, I know. I just was thinking about it and wanted you to know. I thought Oh Dad that’s a burden you don’t need to carry……then I bust into singing “I have climbed highest mountain. I have scaled city walls but I still haven’t found what I am looking for….” Dad smiled.
Whenever I am a keynote presenter I try to sit in and listen to other sessions. A grief therapist said “Grief is an upward spiral. You never know when it will hit you.” So, true. Be gentle with yourselves friends. Time takes Time. Smile when you can.
My Dad has always loved music. Tapping his foot to the music is something I miss seeing and he misses doing. He always had the oldies station playing and would give me the backstory of the group of singers. He dreamed of having his own band “Bubbles and Squeaks”. My entire formative years he sang “Last Kiss". The month I had my crash Pearl Jam released a remake. The person that was in the vehicle with me that day said… “I hate this song” I agree I never liked the remake as much as I liked Dad’s singing. Dad never made the song sad…..but Pearl Jam…uff that was sad. One month before Dad was injured I was flying out to see Mom and Dad for the long 4th of July weekend. I saw Sarah McLachlan was playing at Red Rocks I struggle saying no to an outdoor concert let alone Red Rocks! Dad was nervous about me going alone and so he said he’d go with me. We had a fun night. We ate dinner and then took the long ramp up to the bottom of the steps. Dad said are you joking when he saw all the steps. He nearly raced up the steps I kept yelling What is your hurry? They are assigned seats. When we got to the top he said….Oh I thought we had to fight for seats! Bahahaah. It is always surreal when I see this photo of us and he made it up all those steps and 3 weeks later he’d never walk again.
Grief. Love. Rock N Roll. Every song you hear is about grief or love and often both.
“There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love.” Bono
“My Dad is a paraplegic.” Being able to utter that sentence took me 30 months.
I knew this information. In fact, I was the first to know he was paralyzed. Being able to say that sentence out loud took a long time for me to process and articulate without sobbing and feeling my heart break all over again. I thought about this today because of the way my day unfolded. I was on the phone with a new trooper I was assigned to work with and he asked if I could make it to an event. I said "I am not sure because I think I have to be with my Dad that day. My Dad is a paraplegic I am not sure if you know that?" He said, "Oh. No. I did not know that." I continued, When my Mom has to be gone for work, I go and stay with him and I think I may have to stay with him that day. It was odd to me that the conversation just flowed (FOR THE FIRST TIME it flowed! Without me pausing or crying or getting a massive lump in my throat) and we went onto planning our business.
“There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love.” Bono
Bono stopped me in my tracks when he asked us to put our hands in the air and give off our positive energy to all in the stadium. I describe myself as a rhinestone covered conservative hippy. So this ultra conservative yet sort of hippy Lutheran believes in energy but putting my hands all the way up? I don’t know about that. I put my hands to my stomach, then to my chest, then looking around I was the only one NOT putting my hands in the air so up I went. Now, this is what I call positive peer pressure! I felt immediate goosebumps as the positive energy and light bounced off the other side of the stadium. The concert was 1/4 political rally, 1/2 amazing, and ¼ bizarre.
Seeing U2 has been a bucketlist item for me for what seems forever. After my brain injury I had to relearn to walk, talk, read and write again. On my 9th or maybe it was 15th time of attempting not to fail (aka quit) physical therapy I had a student intern who asked me if I could walk backwards. I hadn’t tried so I honestly didn’t know. As a dancer with controlled body awareness I thought why couldn’t I? I remember that PT room and forever engrained in my memory is the sheer horror on that intern’s face. My arms and hands crippled up like little t-rex arms plastered to my chest facing out and fingers spread and wickedly scattered. My mouth contorted as I gritted my teeth to the side and lips were pursed against my face as I strained to take one small step backwards. My brain did not know how to walk backwards. It barely could walk forward. The intern staring at me in disbelief asked slowly “What did that FEEL like?” I stared back defeated. Please ask me anything you want on one condition. You have to promise me you will never give another patient that look of torture and fear when they are trying to accomplish what seems like a minute task to you. It is humiliating for them and likely they are fiercely trying. I lashed out. Poor intern.
Zoom ahead 8 years post brain injury, I walked on the treadmill for the first time without the vibration of the treadmill giving me a headache. I remember my heart overflowing with pure joy. I had tried for 8 solid years to exercise and get back to a healthy weight. I remember feeling like Rocky and being completely invincible! The radio sang “It's a beautiful day. Don't let it get away. It's a beautiful day. Touch me. Take me to that other place. Teach me I know I'm not a hopeless case.” Thanks, Bono. You’re right. I am not a hopeless case! It is indeed a beautiful day!
June 4, 2017 at Soldier Field Bono made the comment above about grief I again was stopped in my tracks. I saw the cameras and wanted to remember his quote but did not want to pull out my phone to type it in and miss something. Surely, I would remember. Holly, you have a brain injury surely you won’t remember! The next day, I googled his comment about grief and found it was on the BBC. Little did I know when he prayed for Machester victims at that concert that he was recording live for the Manchester concert! There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love. Oh Dad, is all I could think. I have grieved his spinal cord injury for nearly 3 years. My boss asked me after my Dad was injured “When will you smile again?” I thought I got up, out of bed, I showered, and I am here. I give myself an A for today. Smile? You want me to smile? I am not sure when or if I will ever smile again. I have hit rock bottom grief before. I have been there at least 2 other times. Once after my crash and once after the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with dumped me over the telephone on my birthday. My friend Tiffany who lost her Dad while she was in her early 20s said, “At least he’s here and you can talk to him.” She is right. I go to my parents as often as I can and at minimum monthly to help my Mom care for my Dad. I cherish our time together. The stories he has shared with me while I have been helping put him to bed or helping get him up in the morning. I often wonder if he’d have ever told me that story had we not had these moments. We have always been very close but I have learned more about his whole life story in the past 3 years than I ever did before. With tears in his eyes one day he said “Holl, my Doll. I was thinking. When you get married. I want to be next to Mom in the front of the church. I don’t want to drive down the aisle next to you. I don’t want to drive over your dress.” I said, Dad. There isn’t even a groom ?!?!? Do you know something I don’t!?!? He said, I know. I just was thinking about it and wanted you to know. I thought Oh Dad that’s a burden you don’t need to carry……then I bust into singing “I have climbed highest mountain. I have scaled city walls but I still haven’t found what I am looking for….” Dad smiled.
Whenever I am a keynote presenter I try to sit in and listen to other sessions. A grief therapist said “Grief is an upward spiral. You never know when it will hit you.” So, true. Be gentle with yourselves friends. Time takes Time. Smile when you can.
My Dad has always loved music. Tapping his foot to the music is something I miss seeing and he misses doing. He always had the oldies station playing and would give me the backstory of the group of singers. He dreamed of having his own band “Bubbles and Squeaks”. My entire formative years he sang “Last Kiss". The month I had my crash Pearl Jam released a remake. The person that was in the vehicle with me that day said… “I hate this song” I agree I never liked the remake as much as I liked Dad’s singing. Dad never made the song sad…..but Pearl Jam…uff that was sad. One month before Dad was injured I was flying out to see Mom and Dad for the long 4th of July weekend. I saw Sarah McLachlan was playing at Red Rocks I struggle saying no to an outdoor concert let alone Red Rocks! Dad was nervous about me going alone and so he said he’d go with me. We had a fun night. We ate dinner and then took the long ramp up to the bottom of the steps. Dad said are you joking when he saw all the steps. He nearly raced up the steps I kept yelling What is your hurry? They are assigned seats. When we got to the top he said….Oh I thought we had to fight for seats! Bahahaah. It is always surreal when I see this photo of us and he made it up all those steps and 3 weeks later he’d never walk again.
Grief. Love. Rock N Roll. Every song you hear is about grief or love and often both.
“There is no end to grief, that’s how we know there is no end to love.” Bono
U2 Joshua Tree Tour - Solider Field - June 2017
